Don’t Argue! Rule Number One.
I’m a Type-A personality. I happen to be very passionate about things I believe. Since I was a kid, I always drew people into what I was excited about. And now that I’m a Catholic, it’s very easy for me to argue with people when they disagree. It’s not arguing for the sake of arguing, it’s arguing for the sake of bringing them in, and helping them to understand the fullness of the Faith.
Arguing is not bad in and of itself. Look through the Book of Acts and see how many times Paul says that he argued, or where it says Paul was arguing with someone. But, my first rule is “don’t argue to the point of burning bridges.”
This is an issue that people bring up to me all the time at conferences and when they ask me “How should I deal with people like this?” I immediately push them and they say “Why did you do that?!” and I say “What’s your first reaction?” They said “To push you back,” and I said “That’s why.” I say that “When we deal with people and relate to them about the Faith, we shouldn’t push and argue and burn bridges with them, because if we do,they’re going to push back and then there’s an alienation.”
By the way, if you do push and you go beyond your means, be quick to apologize. My father told me when I was a little boy “Make your life easy, Steve. Always learn to say you’re sorry quickly. That will make life so much easier for you.” Now, we want to convince people of the truth and we want to share with them. And sometimes people will listen and sometimes they won’t. Sometimes they’ll want to come back at us, and that’s OK. But we want to avoid getting into a position where we argue to such a degree and push to such a degree that we alienate them, we burn bridges. The reason I say that is because we have to take the long view with people. God takes the long view. We’re going to see a rule coming up which is called “patience,” that God deals with us patiently. He doesn’t argue with us right now and get in our face. He respects our free will, He works with us, He reasons with us, He brings people our way, but He doesn’t force us. And being a Type-A personality,that’s hard for me. It’s hard for me to relax.
We need to be careful when we talk to people because we may not get another chance. This may be our first shot, so we need to do it carefully, lovingly, patiently, and without being too aggressive. In my own family, I know this happens many, many times at Thanksgiving, at Christmas. We get into arguments and I’ve burned bridges in the past and I’ve learned this the hard way. Remember that God has given us two ears and only one mouth, and I think that’s for a reason: He expects us to listen twice as much as we talk, and when we’re talking with someone else, we’ll find out that if we listen to them, then they will begin to be able [to] relate more to us and we can have a dialogue going.
When you argue, it tends to be one-sided; too many people are just sitting there waiting for a break so they can get their point in. And if we do it that way, it’s not going to work. People aren’t going to listen to us, and we’re not going to have any success. So, rule number one: take the long view, learn to say you’re sorry if you get into a mess, don’t argue, discuss yes, but don’t argue to the point of burning bridges, shutting doors, and slamming the conversation to an end.
So, Rule Number One: don’t argue.